Season Finale

I dreaded it like the last episode of my favorite show.
I didn’t want to see it end.
I knew I’d spend the rest of my life re-watching my favorite parts..

I love you.
I love you too.
Stop.. Fast forward.
I’m happy.
I’m happy too.
Stop.. Rewind.
I’m happy.
I’m happy too.
Stop.. Play.
You hurt me.
I didn’t mean to.
Skip.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
Stop.. Fast forward.
You broke me.
I’m sorry.
Skip.
You fixed me.
Rewind.
You fixed me.
Stop.. Fast forward.
I love you.
Stop. Fast forward.
You broke me.
Skip.
You ignore me.
Skip.
I forgive you.
Repeat.
I forgive you.
Stop.. Fast forward.
I’m sad.
Skip.
I’m tired.
Skip.
I’m trying.
Skip
I love you.
I love you too.
Rewind.
I love you too.
Rewind.
I love you too.
Rewind.
I love you too.
Pause…………….

eMAGINE

She is a blueprint of wild enchantment.

A rough draft of some kind of Magic.

An outline of an unknown Classic.

Unclear and frantic.

A calm sunset of panic.

Subtle, but Graphic.

With a hint of something nostalgic.

Though she is rather dynamic

You must approach her with gentle passion.

As she is only made up of what you can imagine.

Appetite

He never wasted food.

I was served to him on a silver platter and he treated me as such.

He unwrapped his silver ware and placed his napkin in his lap.

He’d start with the vegetables- the parts of me I did not find appetizing.

He made every bite look as lush and flavorful as the last.

He devoured my meat and flesh and sucked on my bones. Every bit of me was accounted for. Everyday he gave reason to every course of me.

And yet..

I remained discontent. Hateful in fact. I wondered why he could not taste how bitter I had become…

I could only explain my rage in one way:

I did not want to be his main course, if someone else was his desert.

Chapter 5: Sweet Tooth.

“One Day”

One day.

She will get there one day.

That’s the goal. One day.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are good.

Some days actually feel like a day. 24 hours. Sunrise, Sunset and everything in between.

Some days food taste like food.

Some days she actually does stuff. Little stuff. Stuff you’d laugh at. But still. She does it.

Some days She says she will get something done, and She gets it done.

Some days She wakes up. She actually went to sleep and got to experience “waking up”.

Some days She talks to people. Full conversations. Sharing and listening. Laughing and smiling.

Some days She feels understood.

Some days She thinks about her future.

Some days, She thinks about the “other days”, and dreams of the day that “some days” will turn into “most days” and maybe “most days” will be “always”.

Some days She feels so close to that oh so glorious “one day”.

God is a Woman

He only talks to god when his phone rings.

A quick prayer in hopes that it’s you.

She might be the reason he loses his faith.

You see, God keeps missing her cue.

He often finds himself down on his knees.

Trying to think of something to say to god other than please.

Please. Please? Please…

On the brink of hysteria.

Please.

Losing it

Please!

Can’t do it.

Please?!

Can’t make it

Please!!!

can’t take it! can’t breath can’t think can’t…

her name appears on his screen.

“Hey you”.

A wave of ease.

His breath released.

His faith regained.

Just two words and his beliefs are sustained.

Old.Friend.

oldfriends

She had always seen it.
Out there wandering around.
Peering over her white picket fence, to get a good look at her bright smile her promising life.
It never bothered her to see it that close.
She actually felt comfortable knowing it was there. They’d say hello in passing. An occasional wave or head nod.
She’d glance at it in passing. But.
Glances turned to looks, turned to stares, turned to gazes.
With eyes that said “Hello, old Friend”.
An unspoken connection.
It only seemed right to invite it in.
No small talk. No coffee. No awkward silences.
Skipped that,
Went straight to her bed.
Lights down. Drapes shut. Heat down. Blankets soft. So inviting.
She got in bed.
Under the sheets.
Laying next to it.
It hasn’t let her up since..

What Advice Sounds Like to A Depressed Person:

depressedadvice

“If you are bleeding, just stop bleeding and you won’t be bleeding anymore because you stopped bleeding”.

“If you cannot see in the dark, start being able to see in the dark, and you will be able to see in the dark because you started seeing in the dark”.

“If you feel empty then stop being empty and then you won’t be empty anymore because you stopped being empty”.

That easy, huh??
Just turn it off and don’t speak of it again?
Who knew it was so simple.
I could have been happy this whole time!

If you know anyone suffering from depression, tell them you love them. You are proud. They are beautiful. You need them. They matter.
They can’t do anything with advice, besides read it and cry. Just give them a shoulder to do it on.

Repeat and Delete

She wondered what he heard when she said “I love you”.
How did it feel in his ears?
Did it bounce around for a few?
How did his brain take in the sound?
Did it toss and turn and bounce around?
She can never know what it was like for him the moment those words left her lips.
From the way events unfolded, it can be assumed it was something like this…………………………..
Nothing. He heard nothing. He felt nothing. He understood nothing.
Since it meant nothing; lacking purpose and fact.
It must have been pretty easy to repeat it right back….

Writer’s Block

no-new-messages

Trying to tie his thoughts down… Keep them still long enough for him to write them down.
Alone with plenty of blank sheets of paper.
Just write.  Just write it out.
But he found it is difficult to write with his left hand holding a beer.
The right hand has two fingers squeezing a cigarette.
The other three fingers shake while gripping a phone that hasn’t rung in days.
“You have no new messages”.
Screen looking as blank as those sheets of paper…

Got a Light?

87013-Sad-Girls-Smoke-Alot

She cannot stop smoking.
They say each cigarette takes a day off of your life.
She looks around her life…
She cannot stop smoking.
She has a job. Can’t show up late. Can’t leave early, but smoke breaks are given in abundance…
She cannot stop smoking.
Her anxiety picks up dramatically at night. She has to get outside…
She cannot stop smoking.
At a party and everyone is everywhere and… She has to go out on the balcony…
She cannot stop smoking.
Sometimes she needs a few minutes. Sometimes her brain won’t stop. Sometimes her body can’t start. Sometimes she just needs to stand and stare at the stars.
She’d look insane just standing and staring.
People would call her crazy.
But this cigarette in her hand makes it okay.
Blowing out smoke and not belting out screams is socially acceptable.
This cigarette is her permission slip to go on a 15min field trip outside those walls and inside her daydreams.
These butts on the ground are proof that she’s okay.
She cannot stop smoking.