The Negotiate.Her. (free write)

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I used to only want the best for me.

Held my head up so high, even the sky seemed limiting. Like butter, my self-esteem spread over everything… how I used to be, who I was, and what I will be.

Now here I am… still standing.

Legs shaking, as I desperately try not to fall to my knees… See, life’s endless testing made me too weak to carry my self-esteem. So completely unworthy… I resort to bargaining.

I will take your half-heartedness, but… well maybe you can at least give me the right half of it…

I will make-do with your eye wondering. It.. has to land on me eventually…

I can stand being forgotten occasionally… besides, I was born being lonely.

I will make do with your day-late wishes, forced smiles, weak hugs and cold love…….. Yes, I think this… this is good enough.

Selling my heart at a discounted rate… In exchange for… this thing……. should be ashamed to beg for something I can’t even give a proper name…

Just. Please. Give me what you can and I will work with what I get.

I will forgive what you forget.

I will learn to live with being the next best thing after the last thing, if that means I’ll have reason to be. I have no right to demand anything, but please,

Just…

Leave me this thing.

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15 thoughts on “The Negotiate.Her. (free write)

  1. 🥶Blue is your brain 🧠 on freeze or your heart on ice. Your free write flows beautifully. It reminds me of the Biblical writing of Genesis 25:29-34; “ Esau sold his birthright (Inheritance) to fill his temporary desire of hunger, for a bowl of stew and a drink. A lifetime inheritance, his future, his dreams for ONE MEAL 🥘. This Poem was heartfelt…you seem to not be living life, but stuck, paralyzed yourself because you keep going backwards. Another person cannot make you whole. Self medicating on another, negotiating deals to get a temporary fix. Like a rollercoaster that’s never ending. Who would pick. Knowing which buttons to push, how to get in your head, with your heart cracked leaking issues and falling apart. This is not You. You are better than this & have much to live for. God’s are are open wide. He is the Master Negotiator of All Times. He wrapped Himself in Flesh,born through human birth. Mother Mary, was overshadowed by the Holy Ghost. Enjoyed life, growing in “Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.” We all have things we deal with and struggles to overcome.
    The time is now to Live, Love, Grow, and make positive healthy decisions for your life. Praying for you.
    I attempted reading this after returning from emergency, but couldn’t read or comprehend. The pain meds were in full affect. All I could do was pray.
    InHisCare 🙏💜🙏💜😇

    Like

      1. Every day I am standing, in the Joy of the Lord, my Strength! I Am healed…
        to the doctors I am a mystery,
        I am healed, I am HiS 💜
        Forever InHisCare 🙏
        Yonnie💜

        Like

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