Plan B.

And here I am again..

In the middle of no-man’s land.

Outstretch my hands.

Trying to catch my wishes before they hit the sand.

Tried to wish upon a shooting star…

But mine were just too big to make it that far.

Heavy bits of failed attempts drop from above and leave my palms bruised and scarred.

Collecting and gathering every wishful shard,

so I can push, pull and drag my dreams out of Imagination’s junkyard.

Through Broken Boulevards.

Past Fantasy’s graveyard.

Straight to Reality’s backyard…

Never knowing if my wants will be realized, yet too proud to give up or compromise…

So I’ve made up my mind to roll up my sleeves.

Done tripping on wishes…

I’ll do it manually.

Patience.

She assumed this would be her cocoon.

That from this cave, a beautiful butterfly would bloom.

So she never minded the lack of room.

But May turned to June and still she remained in utter gloom.

Summer’s Sun to Winter’s Moon, and…

She watched the darkness continue.

Can’t say she’s not pleased that her wings need more time… the small black walls with their enclosed design comfort her mind and well….

She’s much too tired to learn fly.

The Negotiate.Her. (free write)

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I used to only want the best for me.

Held my head up so high, even the sky seemed limiting. Like butter, my self-esteem spread over everything… how I used to be, who I was, and what I will be.

Now here I am… still standing.

Legs shaking, as I desperately try not to fall to my knees… See, life’s endless testing made me too weak to carry my self-esteem. So completely unworthy… I resort to bargaining.

I will take your half-heartedness, but… well maybe you can at least give me the right half of it…

I will make-do with your eye wondering. It.. has to land on me eventually…

I can stand being forgotten occasionally… besides, I was born being lonely.

I will make do with your day-late wishes, forced smiles, weak hugs and cold love…….. Yes, I think this… this is good enough.

Selling my heart at a discounted rate… In exchange for… this thing……. should be ashamed to beg for something I can’t even give a proper name…

Just. Please. Give me what you can and I will work with what I get.

I will forgive what you forget.

I will learn to live with being the next best thing after the last thing, if that means I’ll have reason to be. I have no right to demand anything, but please,

Just…

Leave me this thing.

Self Care.

Her writing became a band aid. Underneath, you’d see where scars laid. Bookmarks the spot of her oldest wound. Turn the page to her newest bruise.

Open cuts between metaphors. Each chapter covers swollen sores… surrounding Similes of ripped flesh like pages torn. Paragraphs of skin graphs. Broken bones under fresh drafts. Fractures wrapped in comic laughter. Notepad enhanced as her fingertips danced.

Write,

erase.

Type it up,

stop.

Read.

Backspace….

Keep typing,

re-writing.

Proofreads and editing.

New pain. New page.

Write,

re-read and write again.

Hearing the growth of her never-ending cracks. Knowing Her heart is soon to collapse…

Open a new doc to prepare for impact.

Out of Sight

I’m sorry to bother you, but..

W(help) I just wanted to let you know that I am okay.

I know I can be a bit troubleso(me) some days,

And maybe my attitude came across as a little (i)cy.

I guess when my life was falling downstre(am), it made it hard to speak nicely.

I can(not) tell you how helpful this break has been. I know I was beginning to be a little too much towards the end…

So, in case you were wondering how I’ve been these days,

I am completely (okay).

Recover.

We both wanted to be in love

like before we knew what it really was.

When it was just sharing covers and covering our true colors.

Cheeks turning cherry red from what the other said while tryna figure out how to live and die in bed.

Back when hours went unnoticed. Days and months seemed stolen. We played at a pace not much different from pause… a bit slower than slow motion.

Your heart broken and mine frozen.

Damaged goods, but good together as I Iced parts of you that were torn and swollen.

And maybe

We won’t be

eternally

Just you and me…

but after all our old lovers’ commotion…

I think we both just… needed a moment.

Still.

For those of us who don’t just “feel” feelings but become feelings.

Or maybe feel too little “everythings” and too many “nothings”.

Who daydream of that one beautiful thing someone once said… inbetween the horrible things floating in your head.

Who needs the power of every God in every universe to give us the energy to get out of bed.

Are razors the only way out?

Does a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka show what the nightmares are about.

Will this overdose solve it?

Will that jump from the bridge resolve it?

Can anyone see us on the ledge?

Could you reach out before we tip over the edge?

Don’t save those weekly flowers and visits for the grave.

Use them when we’re out there trying to be brave.

For those of us who were born unclear,

Just know we were not put here to suffer here to break here and leave here…

So.

Before you ask for the check and pay the bill.

Just for now,

Please…

Be still.

Moonshine.

I was most beautiful in darkness.

Blurry backdrop of sharpness.

Illuminating internal illustrations.

Oh but here he is… rising with his golden demonstrations.

Simultaneously Fading me and feeding me with his rays.

So powerful he woke the ones below- they call it “days”.

And I’d stay and watch his little parade until his last electric wave dipped below the bay.

I Let him generate the light.. I ruled the night.

How I love the night- allowing me to gently glisten a glittered goodnight-kiss to every weary eye in the midst of the abyss.

Though the stars gave me endless bliss…. it.. was him I’d miss…

And when that first fold of pure gold rose above like a hazard warning.

I knew I would always be the first one to say “Good morning”.