The Negotiate.Her. (free write)

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I used to only want the best for me.

Held my head up so high, even the sky seemed limiting. Like butter, my self-esteem spread over everything… how I used to be, who I was, and what I will be.

Now here I am… still standing.

Legs shaking, as I desperately try not to fall to my knees… See, life’s endless testing made me too weak to carry my self-esteem. So completely unworthy… I resort to bargaining.

I will take your half-heartedness, but… well maybe you can at least give me the right half of it…

I will make-do with your eye wondering. It.. has to land on me eventually…

I can stand being forgotten occasionally… besides, I was born being lonely.

I will make do with your day-late wishes, forced smiles, weak hugs and cold love…….. Yes, I think this… this is good enough.

Selling my heart at a discounted rate… In exchange for… this thing……. should be ashamed to beg for something I can’t even give a proper name…

Just. Please. Give me what you can and I will work with what I get.

I will forgive what you forget.

I will learn to live with being the next best thing after the last thing, if that means I’ll have reason to be. I have no right to demand anything, but please,

Just…

Leave me this thing.

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Reality.

In my dreams, I’d pack up my things, open the door and he’d get on his knees.

I’d try to push past him and he’d scream.

Telling me it’s not what it seems, and maybe promise me everything… Possibly beside a diamond ring.

Maybe he’d cut his seams and I’d see that he bleeds sincerity.

Or maybe he’d crumple into a million roses and fall at my feet like I’m his queen.

Id forgive him and love him like a king.

A royal love theme.

Golden crowned silver linings.

When asked why I have such depressing fantasies of breakups and makeups interweaved…

because when I walked away,

he watched me leave.

Moonshine.

I was most beautiful in darkness.

Blurry backdrop of sharpness.

Illuminating internal illustrations.

Oh but here he is… rising with his golden demonstrations.

Simultaneously Fading me and feeding me with his rays.

So powerful he woke the ones below- they call it “days”.

And I’d stay and watch his little parade until his last electric wave dipped below the bay.

I Let him generate the light.. I ruled the night.

How I love the night- allowing me to gently glisten a glittered goodnight-kiss to every weary eye in the midst of the abyss.

Though the stars gave me endless bliss…. it.. was him I’d miss…

And when that first fold of pure gold rose above like a hazard warning.

I knew I would always be the first one to say “Good morning”.

Slip & Slide.

others were Falling in Love and never Landing right.

She was busy Tripping on “Like”.

Getting footing on new heights.

Slipping on Infatuation

and making right Turns on wrong Situations.

Engaged in Engage-less Relations.

Chasing Intimate Sensations

and pointless Connections.

Stumbling on Interest.

Getting close to Distance and

Tumbling on failed Commitments.

But she’d keep Trying, Sliding scraped knees on Shaky foundations.

She kept her patience.

Grew proud of the Misses, Trip-ups, and Slip-ups that gave her Callous.

She knew if she were to Fall in Love, she had to be okay with Losing her Balance.