Plan B.

And here I am again..

In the middle of no-man’s land.

Outstretch my hands.

Trying to catch my wishes before they hit the sand.

Tried to wish upon a shooting star…

But mine were just too big to make it that far.

Heavy bits of failed attempts drop from above and leave my palms bruised and scarred.

Collecting and gathering every wishful shard,

so I can push, pull and drag my dreams out of Imagination’s junkyard.

Through Broken Boulevards.

Past Fantasy’s graveyard.

Straight to Reality’s backyard…

Never knowing if my wants will be realized, yet too proud to give up or compromise…

So I’ve made up my mind to roll up my sleeves.

Done tripping on wishes…

I’ll do it manually.

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Move.

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And so…

we keep on.

Through the Moon. Around the Sun.

No waiting for better days to come. Break through grey clouds and watch the overcast come undone. No lingering in days long gone.

Lick our thumbs and turn the page of yesterday.

Gliding across dark stages like a Broadway ballet.

No looking back. Dance until the final act. Until the curtain is drawn.

Until there’s nothing more to add on… drag on… dream on..

no more hopes to take a chance on.

No more fences to lean on..

Until we’ve used every single crayon. Until we’ve worn out the knees we pray on.

Through day and night. Dusk and dawn.

Won’t stop until we reach Heaven’s lawn.

Until that day comes, We are not where we belong.

And so…

we keep on.

Decorate.

She showed me her true colors.

Showed how wrong we were for each other.

So I pulled out my brush set

and water colors worked well with tears wept.

Filled in her empty parts with blood from my own heart.

Swept her black and white tones with my grey sweat.

Glossed her harsh shadows with my pink tongue.

Gave her transparency with air from my very lungs.

Did not attempt to make a masterpiece,

Just… something that matched me… what I thought she could be.

She saw me out of context.

I saw her as a project.

Fantasy airbrushed my logic…

Could be the curse of being an artist.

Closing Act.

Back here again.

The most familiar place I’ve ever been.

This is the part where I’m forgotten… again.

Where I fold into the shadows of memories that blend in with empty spaces and cold wind.

The part where I am let go of.

Where I come crashing down from above. Where I’m reminded that the embarrassing fall out of love often comes with a beastly shove.

The part where the end is near. Closer than it appears.

Where my eyes build up with tears- blinding me, so I won’t have to face my fears.

The part where I become another “was”.

Because my “ends and odds” are finally realized as flaws.

So before my scene gets paused and the curtain draws…

Let me give my best.

If it has to end,

let it be to the sound of a grand applause.

Patience.

She assumed this would be her cocoon.

That from this cave, a beautiful butterfly would bloom.

So she never minded the lack of room.

But May turned to June and still she remained in utter gloom.

Summer’s Sun to Winter’s Moon, and…

She watched the darkness continue.

Can’t say she’s not pleased that her wings need more time… the small black walls with their enclosed design comfort her mind and well….

She’s much too tired to learn fly.

The Negotiate.Her. (free write)

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I used to only want the best for me.

Held my head up so high, even the sky seemed limiting. Like butter, my self-esteem spread over everything… how I used to be, who I was, and what I will be.

Now here I am… still standing.

Legs shaking, as I desperately try not to fall to my knees… See, life’s endless testing made me too weak to carry my self-esteem. So completely unworthy… I resort to bargaining.

I will take your half-heartedness, but… well maybe you can at least give me the right half of it…

I will make-do with your eye wondering. It.. has to land on me eventually…

I can stand being forgotten occasionally… besides, I was born being lonely.

I will make do with your day-late wishes, forced smiles, weak hugs and cold love…….. Yes, I think this… this is good enough.

Selling my heart at a discounted rate… In exchange for… this thing……. should be ashamed to beg for something I can’t even give a proper name…

Just. Please. Give me what you can and I will work with what I get.

I will forgive what you forget.

I will learn to live with being the next best thing after the last thing, if that means I’ll have reason to be. I have no right to demand anything, but please,

Just…

Leave me this thing.